In the realm of relative truth we are all separate and different from each other, while in the realm of ultimate truth, we are all one. I know the pain I felt was valid and it doesn't make it okay. Trauma is present and it plays its part in everyday sequences and some will remain far on out and I have come a long way accepting this, like family. They made a home and found something they wanted for themselves, regardless of what it was in each particular case, as I did with them. Their identity was in question as mine was afterwards and they found the answer in me as I found the answer in them. I could be upset with them utilizing my gifts and natural aspects of myself, as so the opportunities and various easy accesses I beholded, taking the best parts of me to create a better version of themselves while leaving me feeling empty. In some cases the pain wasn't intentional nor personal, in some it was, but others wasn't as direct, although one doesn't need to operate in great malice in order to inflict damage, the lack of empathy and integrity already does enough, and I have come a long way finding this out for myself as I have caused havocs on my own. Others they just vanished without a trace... Whatever the case may be, the times they saw me as prosthetic limbs they might've been lost and found something great in myself and couldn't build the capacity to love me in the same lifetime while trying to love themselves as I couldn't fucking love myself either. I am just like you: I hope they cannot see the limitless wreck that lives inside of me, I am just as scared, I feel just as ridiculized inside, so I guess we're not too far off after all. We can't be together, I couldn't fake balance nor indiference if I'm truly honest and humble with myself, as I have done this for a very long time. You're the shame living inside of me. Your disease is a fucking waste of time as it is, but not so much time wasted on my very fucking own sickness to attend to on my own without leeching from anyone: you make a living off of souls that bleed, another dotted line. You turn it on when it fits your needs while mine takes mines away. You turn it around because it questions your integrity, I spiral myself downwards just to save mine. I can't judge though, you are only human as I am nothing more than that. Just as pathetic, just as divine. We looked upon ourselves only so we didn't have to look within ourselves. Through transparency and fully taking accountability of myself while being able to still read through the lines under the neutral side of things to shut down what I thought it was real is what it takes to redeem myself. I became wreckless with my heart when I heald it hostage from growth. All of our memories are just a thought away, so get the fuck away from me. In my heart I knew better, but I told myself it didn't matter, that it could be different, I let all this happened just to prove myself a sense of loyalty of my own that flattered my sense of ego which staggered my life further forcing us to hide and create a truth to all these lies. What I thought was right became my insecurity, for I as well have questioned my integrity for nights on end. It was nobody's fault, it was all my own, everything's wasted forever. It's on my own, I knew the potential if not obvious reprecussions I was dealing with, I could only settle for less for I had nothing on me. Everything's on my own. I've come full circle, do not attempt to reach me. My fucking prejudice and words of wisdom go unheard. My side of the story doesn't fucking matter anymore.
(03-04-2024)
