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| South Texas hail storm during summer 2023. |
Like semtex implanted in my fucking braincells, fucked corrupted neuroplasticity. I can't even drive my whole body around, can't check/log into my full physical picture so I have to carry and drag it like a bad lego figure not stuck into where it correctly fits, and I hear this pop in my brain which is like electricity shoots through me like a fake synapsis and the only thing that I'm caple of thinking about the result is "that ain't me" although it does seem like it is from the outside which leaves me struggling with having to identify as what is not me and what is. I'm stuck on never seeming to be able to get this out of me along with the thought that the other thing usually gets physically projected wasn't me, and I keep trying to recycle these synapsis, I keep doing like snapping exercises, clapping, pseudo stretches where I show stretching altho internally I feel clogged as fuck. Real legit exercising doesn't even do its full effect, I can't get gains all I can afford is maintain my figure because my muscles can't stretch. Full legit exercising and yoga is what I'm always tell to do but it will only end up killing me because they'll dig there themselves and their decisions for me deeper into my choice and that's just not gonna work, even if I personally wanted to, because it's not like I don't want to in the first place. I keep trying to find another way to express my progression other than in the tone of my voice but I can't, it's nule and useless because it always projects into something different. Pockets full of worries like I'm Western's dictionary. I can't find another word for silence and when I express it it's in somebody else's voice because I wanted to seek meditative silence that was absolute, total and complete, and I found it but I had to erase all my vocabulary from my mind so I ended up nodding out, but then my silence gets taken by other people in a definitive way because when they see me singing my heart out breaking through the sound barrier with my voice from absolute silence and from the lack of a better definition of the loud experience of life that I was having all got bundled up into a big ball of intrusive invisible chaos that basically keeps me in a box and the silence throughout the years pushed all the way down into the bottom of my tailbone having me perishing. People look at me thinking that I'm alive and that I'm making the physical descisions that I'm making while I'm truly dying and I can't complain about it because then they just scoff at me using my very own oxygen that just came off and out of my body, screaming in this absolute silence where they're speaking and using the totally of their mind body and spirit while I'm just the sound of silence being played backwards. Did reach total complete silence once on DXM/DPH combo back in 2017 and I long for that sensation being naturally achieved somehow. Been thinking about death a lot lately, about how you could measure it to maybe get yourself back from another realm or chance, and the influence of that on me was not from myself but from external forces raping me and me meditating to call back from myself, like that hail storm back in June was me infuriating calling myself back while God's electrical fury frozen the physical, trying to tell myself don't do this don't do that like listening to really violent music I used to back in the day making me walked into their trap again like repeating the same life over again, having to go through it all again just slightly different, like hexed silence instead of original silence from my actual mind. They did plan a quite few awefoul events in my life I didn't fall into, although I must say I do get shut down at least once every single day and I have to prepare myself with these light exercises until I'm able to make the quantum shift I've been waiting on for years on end, which is terrifying to think like trying to catch a plane on time and not getting late to the airport and having to wait all over again, it scares me to death. There was a silence to my vocabulary as I was done piecing my mind together as I could move properly but it was all a fraud, it always was, I always thought I was one or two days away from it and I just couldn't seem to make it end but it all felt like a dance, a shitty ass fucking dance when I wake up in the morning and dance throughout the day and I would end the day being so fucking prolific, eloquent and exhausted I couldn't fucking bare myself any longer, all I could serve was giving other people any sort of energetic move just to keep a sense of integrity within the physical plain but they took that boost of energy cuz of how quick it was to hack into my spine and break my back making me work for nothing and to be nothing. I attacked my loved ones with silence mathematically throughout these years, although lately I did them wrong with a lot of violent noises while smoking spice/k2 in order to ease this sensation I talk about since I couldn't smoke weed due to my legal case and looking for a job all at the same time, only cannabinoids seem to do the trick. I didn't have any proof, I didn't have any word that could match the unmatchable that I could hear from myself, I just had fear on the outside of my emrbyotic existence, so I had to cycle through all the garbage that was in the trashcan of every room I was ever in that told me the future and the past because people's disgust for it at that moment isolated and sheltered me... it was like silence asthma, or stepping on plastic explosives as I walked up the stairs into a positive plane.
(Sometime in August, 2023)
